WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing effort to promote voices historically neglected by the magazine, National Geographic announced Wednesday that it would expand the ideological diversity of its masthead by hiring its first-ever writer opposed to tree frogs. “We grow stronger as a publication when we are able to provide thoughtful, nuanced perspectives from all sides of the arboreal amphibian debate,” said editor-in-chief Susan Goldberg in a press release introducing new hire James Malvern, a science journalist who has spent his career denouncing tree frogs and will now join the staff of a 130-year-old magazine that has long portrayed them in a positive light, often on its cover. “Having a smart, new anti-tree-frog voice is a good thing, and that is exactly what we will have in James, whom many of you may know from his prolific writings, nearly all of which include forceful condemnations of common tree frogs, red-eyed tree frogs, White’s tree frogs, and even the endangered peacock tree frog. No doubt many National Geographic readers will disagree with him, but in a changing world, we believe our discourse can only be enhanced with the inclusion of a talented writer who expresses a deep-rooted and unrelenting hatred for these animals.” Goldberg confirmed she was looking for additional ways to expand the magazine’s ideological diversity, noting that at least 90 percent of the current editorial staff still opposes the rapid mass extinction of species.
Anna Stady says she was watching television in her Union Bay home when she heard a noise coming from the other side of her house. When she went to investigate, she was greeted with the sight of a black bear rummaging around her kitchen.
“I was annoyed,” she told CTV Vancouver Island. “I told him to go and then he just went about halfway to the backyard and I said ‘No! Go home!’”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A Washington, D.C., man has won a nationwide essay contest on the topic “Why Donald J. Trump Shouldn’t Go to Prison.”
Kavanaugh’s essay, which was distributed to the press shortly after he was announced as the winner, reads as follows: “Donald J. Trump should never go to prison because he is the President of the United States and the President of the United States is a very important person in the country. It would look bad if visitors from foreign countries came to the United States and asked, ‘Where is your President?’ and we had to say, ‘He is in prison,’ which in my opinion is another reason Donald J. Trump should not go to prison. For these reasons, if I am ever in a position to keep Donald J. Trump from going to prison, I will do that (keep him from going to prison).”